Thank you Holly Bolly for your comment, I think you are probably saying things that a lot of people are thinking, so let me respond. (four members of my family were sexually abused so, like you, I have some knowledge of this topic although fortunately was never a victim myself.)
First of all: going to Rome will be nothing like a holiday. Each time the Commission has sat in Ballarat, the survivors have sat in a stuffy room all day long and come out with eyes like smashed jaffas. All they want to do is sleep. Rome will be no different. This is not a sight-seeing trip. The disadvantage with Rome, is that they won't be able to go home to their own beds and be surrounded by their loved ones.
Contrary to your perspective, having to travel is a big inconvenience,as most of them have children who rely on them. I personally would never support my husband taking an overseas holiday just for the fun of it! However in this instance I am happy to stay at home and hold the fort because I believe this trip will be important for future generations of children, and current men in my life. He will come back exhausted and pretty much useless, and probably sleep for a week. This is the life of many survivors.
Second point - "looking him in the eyes seems like BS...after that there will be something else...to help them heal blah blah blah". Some of the survivors reached out to George Pell personally through their lives,and were rejected. Pell told one - who tried to get help as a child -"Don't be so ridiculous". Another was told by Pell, as an adult when he tried to get help: "How much money to make this go away?" So will looking him in the eye whilst he answers the questions of a legal team help them? You bet it will. For others, like my husband, its less about personal healing and more about wanting to get answers, and truth, and a commitment to genuine action. You see, his mates are dying. He wants to know why Pell is not doing everything in his power to stop them dying.
Third, regarding your friends who have moved on and are no different to you or me. I'm sorry this happened to them. I hope they go through their whole lives without it ever having a detrimental affect. But the nature of childhood sexual abuse is that the extent of the psychological scarring doesn't usually manifest until 30 or so years after the event. Take my husband for example. If you'd met him at 39 you would have seen a successful business man, loved by everyone, best in the field at his chosen trade as an electrician. Financially set up to retire by early 40s. If, however, you met him at 47, you would have seen a man who had lost his business; lost many of his assets; lost part of his family;could no longer wire two things together; couldn't go to the supermarket; couldn't fill out a form; slept in most days; had had brain scans to try to figure out what on earth was going on in his head. Children are usually incapable of processing what is going on when they are sexually abused, so they suppress it and get on with their life. But it's like a house with unstable foundations. Eventually something triggers and the whole house collapses like a pack of cards. I genuinely hope this never happens to your friends. When it does, I know you will help them get back up Holly.
Fourth, that people who are benefiting from it for $$$. In the time frame from around 2000, my husband lost more than $2 million dollars in assets and earnings. Do we expect to get this back? No way! We were lucky enough to have income protection so have managed to keep our home; however even doing that is an ongoing challenge. However, would assistance from the Catholic hierarchy - the richest institution in the world - help us at a day to day level? Yes it would. One of the survivors at the moment can't afford to pay to get his driver's licence renewed. Another can't pay his rent...both because they've lost their ability to earn a living. These people are not money grabbers, Holly. The fact is that having financial pressures on top of everything else adds to their stress, and some assistance by the Church seems only reasonable.
Fifth, attention seeking. My husband used to keep a note-book and write down every person he had told. Each time he told someone it was incredibly embarrassing and demeaning, but a friend who had been abused had killed himself, and my husband thought, if only I'd shared what had happened to me, this might not have happened...so he decided to speak out. Eventually he had told 10, then 20, then 50, then 80 people. He kept every name in the notebook. Finally a news crew came and filmed him whilst he described the sexual abuse he had experienced. That night,Holly, he had a break down. He lost control of his bowels and shit himself on the floor of our bathroom. He then sat in the shower for hours and hours, rocking and crying. Because Holly, as a man it is not really that 'manly' to tell people someone made you drop your pants while they raped you. In fact, it's about the most de-masculinising thing you can admit to. So these survivors that speak out…they don't do it for personal attention-seeking Holly. They do it because they don't want this EVER to happen to children again. They do it because they want their mates to have pathways to get help when they're ready for it.
Finally - Holly, I appreciate what you're saying about moving on. You have no idea how many times I have cried, screamed at my husband, "I'm so sick of this controlling our lives!!" But no two people are the same and everyone deserves to move on in whatever way they can, when they're ready. It's not up to you or I to tell people when they need to be done with healing. And usually, healing from sexual abuse is a process, over a period of time; not a quick decision you make and then implement.(trust me if there was a button you could push to be done with it,they'd push it). All the survivors are at different places in the healing process; some have reached a place of happiness and peace,others are still in terrible emotional turmoil. My husband, for example, is no longer depressed and absolutely enjoys life. He loves taking our son to soccer. He plays on the trampoline with our kids. He reads to them every night. He laughs often.
He is alive Holly. And for that I am grateful, because so many of his mates aren't. Their children don't have their Dads. So you see, going to Rome is really important. It can apply pressure where pressure is needed to bring about change. So thank you for your thoughts, and please get in touch with me if you're ever supporting someone who is a survivor and want some support yourself. I have some experience.
The following link may provide some assistance to help wash away the ignorance of the "Just get over it" people. I went back as far as I could so that their learning and the passing of their ignorance may come to them a little easier
