Yesterday - 07:47, 2006-Jun-29

Yesterday, yesterday I was told I had severe depression - now that is depressing news.

Its even harder to understand why I am here writing this.  The day before that - no it was Monday I went to Centre Link - thought they may have been able to help, but no I did not fit their criteria, I had hoped to find some part time work to help tide us over. I had felt it would allow us to keep going as after the last few years which have been very costly in time emotion and money.

I had visited Centrecare the week before, I left my name and telephone number with them as I felt that they were part of the problem and as they are in the business of finding work I had felt that was a good place to start. Had got that wrong, they needed me to be registered with the Social Security. Nevertheless I asked if it would be possible to sit and have a talk with someone there as I felt that my story was a little unique. The young girl took my name and telephone number and she told me that some on would ring. Not to worry I suppose, they are too busy I imagine or it got lost somehow, anyway I never did hear from them.

Had been having a lot of flash backs over the previous few weeks, well not so many flash backs as reminders, recollections, recalling some parts to try to put them in place, may have been reading too much suggested my doctor. This was on a recent visit. Had just come from a session with my psychologist, got met by new young doctor who I had been asked to see and my regular doctor, they do some sort of self monitoring it seems, I didnt really get the drift of it for a while. I felt it seemed they were asking a some direct questions about the possibility of me harming myself, told them I did not feel that way. It may have been all the scratches and bruises on my arm which triggered that, not sure, they were pretty bruised, got that radically cutting back some wisteria with my little electric chain saw. Seems as we get a little older the skin shows that up a little more and I'm possibly not as bullet proof as in some earlier times.

Had sent out a few emails which must have embarrassed or something - I suppose I may have been having a bit of a panic attack at the time and didnt realise it. Still they never got an answer - a bit like those send us your details and some information, we will get back to you forms on Slater and Gordan and a local Toowoomba legal firms web site. I sent them all my details and a copy of a draft report - didnt get any response from the local legal house, though I did get a call from Slater and Gordon saying they would get back to me - have not heard yet and that is more than 6 months ago I feel.

Youy start to wonder about how unfair it seems at times, mostly you try to keep going at times- just be there, the focus will come if you can grip it and work it out, sometimes that is very difficult as my programming skills are self taught and have some limitations. Dont lack ideas when I am on top of it, just been getting harder and harder lately - keep losing focus and find so much stuff rolling around in my head. I get to rail at times at the apparent callousness and the total lack of acknowledgement or understanding for those it says it is trying to help.

I wonder at times if they have some understanding of the lives of victims of clergy abuse. A really un-necessary and unworthy part of a number of religions it appears from the plethora of web sites and stories of those who have been abused. Some have statistics of things like: well people in my circumstance are x times more likely to commit suicide, they only have a 2% chance of owning their own home, most are employed in low paid jobs, some try working for themselves as it helps to keep them from too much view.

You dont realise at the time that you start to talk about it justr what you are in for. you figure you need to do something about it as it is making your life miserable and you need to be able to talk to someone