30/09/2005 3:14 AM email to Counselor

As I mentioned yesterday - I knew I was depressed - since about saturday
till wednesday - was almost asbad as the worst times I had previously
had. I mentioned that what I wanted to work on was financial - always is
- it was the setting up and operating of this marketing methods - I
think I have made a bad deal in that way - I am fortunate that it has a
3 month trial period and I have made a note in my diary to redo when
that time is up - will have to wait and see the outcome as I have
committed to it so will have to live with it for the now.

I lost all of Monday and tuesday re work and a good bit of wednesday,
did a lot of trawling of the net looking and reading Mako files and
other sites re pedeophilia when I should have been working on [business name] stuff.
I realised tonight after writing that mail some other associated bits -
rather, no more than rather embarrassing - Sunday, Monday Tuesday I was
so sore it was awkward to walk and was worried that I would have to go
to the doctor to see what was wrong - it disappeared Wednesday morning -
I felt some of that same pain last night after doing that email - it is
gone now except for some odd feelings there.

It leaves me frustrated and angry because it affects my work and
business descisions in the way it did this week and has done so many
times in the past - it takes away my confidence in myself or I lose that
confidence somehow and I so easily see how big an effect it has on my
ability to  [*] - I was reluctant to write about this because I
felt it was like it had been previously and I was afraid of making poor
decisions now because it is so much more critical now that we are trying
to build up and grow here at  [business name] .

I think I understand that it is better to write it than to try to avoid
or go round it - its just that in thinking about doing that seems to me
at the time that that is taking me further into it rather than away from
it - it difficult to get that sort of clarity when you are in the middle
of something like that and it keeps intruding no matter how hard you try
or need to go somewhere else at that time. I thought I was past all of
that and those sort of memories and the crying for myself, these past 12
months or so have been mostly free of that to this extent - I think
sometimes about writing that book - dont know how to start that and the
thought of going back through some of that stuff is just somewhere I
feel I dont want to re-experience - I am afraid of that part of it - it
makes me look at my life and is a bit like trying to write that stuff
you asked about writing on the effects - as I said it gets to feel
difficult while you are doing that - yes I know that afterwards it seems
to get easier its just the having to relook and get it out that is
difficult - those 2 parts or sides of that are a long way apart or between.